Insights from a Fashion Show

Today I went to a fashion show. It wasn’t your ordinary fashion show. This show was full of something you wouldn’t normally equate with models strutting today’s popular threads down an aisle. That is, it was writhe with happiness. It was also lacking something that is abundant, I would presume, at such a show - judgment. Perhaps this show was different because of who was running it. I had been invited to this event by a group of community minded ladies, and not just any ladies. These ladies were primarily living in the golden years and brought together by a collective effort to raise money for local charities. The room was filled with ladies that all looked like they could be best friends with my mom. They were grandmothers, and possibly great grandmothers. They were smiling, laughing, drinking, hugging, and cheering each other on. They were singing, dancing, showing off clothing without a care for what others might think. Dare I find a long face in the room? They weren’t concerned with the time (it lasted HOURS) or the next thing they had to run along and do. They were truly in the moment of it all and eating it up.

As I sat there looking around the room, it hit me - these ladies seemed to have something that truly contributed to their happiness. What was it? How could I get it? I thought, wouldn’t it be great if we could all capture what these ladies seemed to have that made them so jovial? Turns out, research has supported what I suspected as I sat there looking, really envying, these ladies. Studies have shown that as we age, happiness actually increases. What?? Really?? How is it is possible to maintain purpose and meaning in life even in the face of significant disease and disability, possible impaired mental and physical functioning and probable limited participation in activities?

Well, others have taken a deeper look at this. John Leland, author of “Happiness Is a Choice You Make,” has asserted that our older generation may find greater happiness because they have given up distractions that “make us do stupid things and instead focus on what’s important to them.” Stanford University professor Laura Carstensen has shared that this generation has learned to grow better at living in the present and focusing on the things that matter because they know they are closer to death. They focus more on feelings, and less on long term goals.

Hmmm, sounds an awful lot like mindfulness skills and cognitive shifting. For clarification, mindfulness is defined as paying attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them, while cognitive shifting is defined as the mental process of consciously re-directing one's attention from one fixation to another. So basically, less judgment of ourselves and more focus on thoughts and feelings that matter. So why are our seniors better at using these skills? I suspect it’s because they have finally given up expectations, uncertainties, fear, competition, comparisons. Well, at least they are doing a much better job at this than the younger generation.

So how do we become more like our storied seniors? How do we emulate their happiness? Try the following:

1. Check your judgments - of yourself and of others. Don’t try to fit into a mold. Re-evaluate your expectations of others. Learn to value yours and others’ strengths and weaknesses. Letting go of judgments frees you to act authentically and tap into your potential to lift yourself and each other up.

2. Clear your thoughts- Recognize that negative thoughts come from your inner critical voice. Use challenging questions. Put things in perspective. Search for Cognitive Behavioral Techniques - proven tools to help you challenge your critical inner voice and negative thoughts. Know that a thought is just a thought. Recognize it, and then let it pass. Don’t give it power, or credence. Let it go.

3. Shed your expectations - Again, your expectation of self and others. We color our view of the world with our expectations. This can be good and bad. We need to let go of the expectations that are too far fetched - the ones that are certain to let you down. Some suggest using the old Zen tradition of “beginner’s mind.” This is where you come to every situation with an empty cup, ready to receive. If your cup is already full of your expectations, you will have little room to receive.

4. Face Fears - It is said that underneath your fears lie great opportunities. Facing your fears means finding your courage, and finally living your life. The senior ladies at the fashion show faced their fears, and had a blast. As Nelson Mandela said, "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

5. Allow Uncertainty - The ability to tolerate not knowing is key to contentment. Patience, acceptance, and the Serenity Prayer work wonders here. Try it.

There’s some comfort in knowing that happiness follows a U shape. We generally start out in our early 20’s as cheerful people. Happiness wanes into our 40’s and early 50’s, and then increases as we age. I didn’t expect this type of graph, but it comforts me to know that we can create the happiness of my new frolicky senior friends with these simple skills. And, when all else fails, drink a mimosa and attend a fashion show. 😉